Hell to the yeah Fan knows her pills.
We're gonna do this backwards now just so you know. I'm ill and my tonsils are about the size of twin towers (before 9/11) and why that is we'll get into some other time. Anyway yet again this gives me an opportunity to prove to the world that my flat mate is better than yours! (My flat mate brings all the boys to the yard and they're like she's better than yours! What kelis really meant to sing) I woke up one day after spending 14 hours in bed only to be force fed an utterly lush pill cocktail a la Fan and on the kitchen table I found a note (well, more like a novel), a step by step guide to get well. The note(s) read:
Good Morning She Wolf!
You might wake up today feeling quite shitty and still you might be thinking what a nice day it is. (In case you haven't noticed the sun is playing a grand game of attention whoring out there). But this isn't an ordinary sunny day, oh no, this is the day of changes! This is start of "reinvent Ylva (ill-va)"! You'll go from the person who's always ill to the she wolf that you really are. I've thought about it and it's all very simple. In order to whip that fucking infection out of you (and the bloody urine out of me) I've fixed a three way (haha) program.
1. Medicine cocktail: As it is now we have alvedon, lemsip, renixin, ipreen, half a panodil and some mucoagin. Let's get that going!
2. Vitamins!: In the fridge you'll find just about every juice flavour in the world (slight exaggeration but wtf), boosted with c-vitamin and good will they'll kick you out of it in no time! If that wouldn't work there is an artillery of most vitamins in that sexy purple jar on the table and a lonely but strong grape fruit in the window. I was gonna buy two so we could share it over some sort of poor man's breakfast or something but my tenner was like "uh, no mate go shag a monkey I'm noh goin tha faar". I said shame on a niggah and after five minutes of figuring the asda machines out, I surrendered. Anyway
3. CUPCAKES: I am not shitting you, as a daughter to two doctors I've seen this shit go down! When my brother had a brain infection -cupcakes. Mum's patients who couldn't breath -cupcakes. Someone came to dad going "fuuck I'm pregnant" he'd be like yeeeah have a cupcake and it'll be alright. Sure enough 9 months later she gave birth to a slightly heavy boy quite resembling a cupcake himself. Imagine giving birth to cupcakes. Rather that! Yeeeees, well they didn't have any good cupcakes at ASDA, only "lemon daisy cupcake" which must be one of the shittiest flavors in the world. So you'll just have to settle for a smarties cake made with love by some poor child in a factory somoewhere.
Smarties make you smart (where do you think I get it all from ;) )
Easy enough yeah! Now drop that fucking flu and be awesome instead :D
And I imagined this letter a lot funnier but shit happens! Kontenta: Be well soon couse I hate seeing you like this! Xx Fan the man
* there is coffee in the pot. Enjoy it's fairtrade ;)